1 00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:04,221 ♪♪ [theme plays] 2 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,928 -Do you believe that breakfast? -Premature leftovers. 3 00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:02,714 Another day in the R.O.K. 4 00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:05,152 Nurse, I'm putting myself in your hands. 5 00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:08,242 -That'll be a switch. -Don't get fresh, Doctor. 6 00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:10,983 I can't help it. I have myself flown in fresh every day. 7 00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,596 All right, people, everything shipshape in here? 8 00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,206 Aye, aye, sir. 9 00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,426 Except the camp is taking on water. 10 00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:20,167 Can the sarcastication, Captain, 11 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,647 and start taking a real interest in our effort. 12 00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:25,433 Are you serious? I just made a big bet on the war. 13 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:26,695 Yeah, who do you like? 14 00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:28,740 I got the United Nations in eight points. 15 00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:30,220 I think that's a pretty good bet 16 00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:32,396 if MacArthur's shoulder holds out. 17 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,746 I certainly hope we're not going to have this kind of tomfoolery 18 00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:36,531 during General Kelly's inspection. 19 00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:38,707 Who's General Kelly? 20 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,752 "Iron Guts" Kelly happens to be 21 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,363 one of the greatest fighting generals 22 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:43,538 in our nation's history. 23 00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:44,930 I think I know him. 24 00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,063 Always fights in purple trunks, glass jaw? 25 00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:50,849 -Uh, Rad-- -Sir! 26 00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,503 -He's here, sir. -Is there any word on General-- 27 00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,201 General Kelly just pulled in the compound. 28 00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:57,160 Holy moley. Okay, stash the polish. 29 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,901 I'll put it under "P." 30 00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,773 Camp cleaned up? No crap games? 31 00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,166 No one's invited any business girls? 32 00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:04,689 Yes, sir. None, sir. 33 00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:06,778 Good, good. I need a drink. 34 00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:09,477 -The smell, sir. -[cork popping] 35 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,479 I'll take vodka. It doesn't have any. 36 00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,490 Radar, come here a minute. 37 00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:26,102 [exhaling] What do you smell? 38 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,712 -Bourbon. -Oh, rats. 39 00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,236 I never should've had that before the vodka. 40 00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:31,977 -Have some gum. -Oh, thanks, Radar. 41 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:39,942 Radar, I can't chew gum in front of a general. 42 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,292 Ten-hut! 43 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:52,084 Colonel Blake. 44 00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,435 -Uh, sir? -I'm Colonel Wortman. 45 00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:57,525 -Colonel. -Aide to Lieutenant General Kelly. 46 00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,004 -General. -Colonel. 47 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,224 -General. -First-rate. 48 00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:04,488 Uh-huh. 49 00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,098 Uh, your treatment of the wounded. 50 00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,578 The general's impressed with your high record 51 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:10,277 of achievement in the mending of our men. 52 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,757 Thank you, General. That's mighty nice. 53 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,498 The men, that's what it's all about. 54 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,065 That's what the general believes. 55 00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,067 I believe in their care, their welfare. 56 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,764 Nothing's too good for the men. 57 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,636 A general marches on his men. 58 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:26,031 Yes, sir. I'm sure, sir. 59 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,778 Is that one salute for the whole war, sonny? Hmm? 60 00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,614 Bet he lied about his age to get in. 61 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:47,052 He won't have to lie about his injuries to get out. 62 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:50,055 It kills me. They're such babies. 63 00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:51,361 When I was his age, I couldn't make up my mind 64 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,015 whether to become a doctor or a fireman. 65 00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,278 What'd you finally decide? 66 00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:58,150 Well, I'm a doctor, but I have a pole in my office. 67 00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,675 Give me some suction here, Mr. Kwang. 68 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:07,072 Psst. Psst. He's on his way, over here. 69 00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:10,859 -Who's over here on his way? -General Kelly. Iron Guts. 70 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,514 Never fails. The one day I don't go to the beauty parlor. 71 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:16,995 -Shall we get out the good silverware? -This is the good silverware. 72 00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:20,216 Uh-oh. It's three stars at 12:00. 73 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,871 -Try to look busy for the general. -Bleed at attention, please. 74 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:31,880 Yeah, that's good. All right, go on to the next one. 75 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:34,230 -Yeah, okay. -Doctors, we have a guest. 76 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,232 That's a relief. I thought it was a stickup. 77 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,452 [laughing] 78 00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,236 Uh, Captains Pierce, McIntyre, 79 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,803 this is Lieutenant General Kelly. 80 00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:43,848 Excuse us for not saluting, General. 81 00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:46,155 Our hands are all full of "icch." 82 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,331 What seems to be wrong with this soldier? 83 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,507 Well, he's got a weight problem. 84 00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,857 Caught about five pounds of lead in his belly. 85 00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:56,600 You boys are certainly doing a fine job. 86 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,602 -You too, General. -Pierce. 87 00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,996 We could never do any of this without your help, sir. 88 00:05:01,039 --> 00:05:03,825 Not at all. I shudder to think 89 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:06,784 what the army would do without you fine doctors. 90 00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:09,047 Probably bleed all over themselves. 91 00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:11,354 And what medical unit would be complete 92 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:14,357 without these lovely angels of mercy? 93 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,620 Please, general, don't contaminate our nurse. 94 00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,970 If you'll step outside, sir, I'll have you sterilized. 95 00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,972 They kid because of the tension. 96 00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,366 -Yes, it helps create more. -Uh, right. Yes. No. 97 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,630 Uh, Pierce-- Uh, sir, would you like to see x-ray? Something may develop there. 98 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:29,764 -[Henry laughs] -Hawk-- 99 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:30,982 Give me another one. 100 00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:34,986 That's all right. Likewise, I'm sure. 101 00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,815 How about a little, uh, splash, General? 102 00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:38,947 Do you drink during a war? 103 00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:41,166 Are we under attack? 104 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,168 I always feel that way, sir. 105 00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,170 Well, I'll have a double rye. 106 00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,476 With soda? Water? 107 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,305 You got something against rye, Colonel? 108 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,134 Uh, double rye for the general, Mr. Kwok. Colonel? 109 00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:54,136 Oh, I'll have the same as the general. 110 00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,138 The colonel will have what the general is having 111 00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,531 and I'll have what the general and the colonel are having. 112 00:05:57,574 --> 00:06:00,403 -Rye, sir? -Right. Only make mine scotch. 113 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:02,362 Yes, sir. 114 00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,668 A little quiet around here for a war. 115 00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:06,670 -Well, thank you, sir. -The general means-- 116 00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:08,716 What I mean is, if I don't hear some good 117 00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:11,371 old-fashioned gunfire every now and again 118 00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,590 I think I'd go out of my mind. 119 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,940 Would you like me to send a few of my men out to the rifle range, sir? 120 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,943 That's what you need around here-- some music. 121 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,077 Hiya. 122 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,818 [Frank clears throat] 123 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,908 Oh, uh, General Kelly, I'd like you to meet 124 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,084 our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan 125 00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,739 and, uh, Major Burns, one of our best surgeons, a real killer. 126 00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:33,741 -Major. -General. 127 00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:35,743 -General. -Major. 128 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,745 -And the general's aide, Colonel Wortman. -Major. 129 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,747 -Colonel. -Colonel. -Major. 130 00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:41,792 -Colonel. -General. 131 00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:45,274 Hmm? Oh, no. My colonel, Colonel. 132 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:49,147 Oh, I'm sorry, General. I got it all brass-backwards. 133 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:53,064 Uh, Colonel, maybe the majors will join us in a drink. 134 00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:57,808 Just being in your presence is intoxicating enough, General. 135 00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:01,464 A very kind thing to say. 136 00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:04,380 We're always surprised that she can be kind, sir. 137 00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:10,168 General, I wonder if I might take a snapshot for my scrapbook. 138 00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:14,216 Sure, if you wanna take a chance on breaking your camera. 139 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,308 This all right with you, Major? 140 00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:20,788 Oh, General, I'd be flattered. 141 00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:23,268 Uh, you back far enough, Frank? 142 00:07:26,315 --> 00:07:28,273 Excuse me. 143 00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:32,060 Oh! Your gun is digging into my thigh. 144 00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,844 Lucky gun. 145 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:40,242 Uh, would you take a picture 146 00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,591 of me and the general with the major, Colonel? 147 00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:43,593 Oh, you got it. 148 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,290 Uh, Colonel Wortman, 149 00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:48,119 why don't you go along with Major Burns here 150 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:50,687 and check out the unit's motor pool setup 151 00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,037 and see how closely it conforms 152 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:55,387 to the Pentagon's new Franistan Plan. 153 00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:56,824 Give it a good going-over, you know? 154 00:07:56,867 --> 00:08:00,741 Take your time, a couple of hours at least. 155 00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:03,613 -Yes, sir. -Now, General? 156 00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:05,746 Uh, General, what is the Franistan Plan? 157 00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,009 A tremendous army research project 158 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:12,013 for making crankcase oil edible after 5,000 miles. 159 00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:14,015 Really? 160 00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:17,671 -Major? -Yes, Colonel. General. 161 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,542 Oh, sorry. 162 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,636 How about a refill, General? 163 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,596 Hmm? Oh, oh. No, thanks, Colonel. 164 00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:34,122 It's getting to be about that time. 165 00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:38,692 Got to put the little old stars to bed. 166 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:42,522 Oh, well, then, I'll just show you the V.I.P. tent, sir. 167 00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:45,481 Oh, that won't be necessary. 168 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,919 Oh, it's no bother. Whenever you're ready, General. 169 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:52,096 I'll see you in the morning, Colonel. 170 00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,406 Oh, fine. 171 00:08:57,449 --> 00:09:01,323 Then you probably won't be seeing any more of me right now. 172 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,632 I've got dirt to scratch and eggs to lay. 173 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:09,461 General. Major. 174 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:19,167 -Pierce, wake up! Pierce! -Huh? 175 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,603 I've got to see you. 176 00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:23,127 Margaret, this is a recurring dream come true. 177 00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,739 -My tent. -Whatever you say. 178 00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,829 Gee, now I wish I'd shaved last month. 179 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,658 -[clattering] -What's up? 180 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:32,963 I need your help. 181 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,575 I'm in trouble. Terrible trouble. 182 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:39,143 And you, a nurse? Take two aspirin and give two to the rabbit. 183 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:42,016 -Please! -Please? 184 00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,814 MAN: Hey, Doc. 185 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,250 Come on over. We're having a party 186 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,078 with some of the local lovelies. 187 00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:03,254 No, thanks. I'm a happily unmarried man. 188 00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:04,908 Listen, there's a lot of big brass around. 189 00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,344 You guys got to keep it down 190 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,129 or we'll have to pinch your girls. 191 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,044 -Devil. -Yes, sir. 192 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,409 Probably a massive M.I. 193 00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:33,328 If his last words were "I shall return," don't wait. 194 00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:36,461 I think his pulse stopped before he did. 195 00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,289 This is terrible. 196 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,944 Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. 197 00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,946 I'm sure it's a first for him too. 198 00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,339 Did you try to resuscitate him? 199 00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:46,080 How do you think he died? 200 00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,779 We've got to get him out of here. 201 00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,347 Well, the only problem is all the walk's gone out of his legs. 202 00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:55,350 -[Knocking] -Psst. Margaret, it's me. 203 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,700 It's Frank. What do I do with him? 204 00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:01,008 -Well, this is no time to go into that. -Not in front of the general. 205 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:03,271 Margaret, let me in. I've got to talk toyou. 206 00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:08,058 I've got a terrible headache. 207 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:12,149 Well, it's not a "headache" visit. I just wanna talk. 208 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,674 Just a minute, Frank. 209 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:18,678 [clattering] 210 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:29,297 -What is it, Frank? -Well, Margaret, l-- 211 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:30,820 What's going on? 212 00:11:30,864 --> 00:11:34,737 Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep. 213 00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:38,219 -And we couldn't sleep. -So we're all here not sleeping together. 214 00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,395 -Gin. -Get rid of them. 215 00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,571 -You cheated. -I did not. 216 00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:46,053 -Give me 20 minutes. -Margaret, it's so unlike you having them here. 217 00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:51,145 Well, it's all right, Frank. It's unlike them too, so-- 218 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:54,235 I know you cheated 'cause I taught you everything you know. 219 00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:56,367 -Come again, Frank. -Good night, Frank. 220 00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:58,282 Don't you wish. 221 00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:06,073 Just as I suspected-- a closet general. 222 00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,378 Step right this way, sir. 223 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,295 -Trap. -Check outside. 224 00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:18,868 All clear. Where are you taking him? 225 00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,870 To the V.I.P. tent. 226 00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:23,307 -Will that be all right? -He doesn't seem to mind. 227 00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:27,747 Hey, hey, hey. 228 00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:40,237 All we need is for somebody to salute him. 229 00:12:40,281 --> 00:12:42,805 He'd probably return it out of reflex. 230 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,981 Okay. Come on. 231 00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:48,811 Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 232 00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:51,988 Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 233 00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:04,218 What's wrong? Is the general ill? 234 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,654 He's a little past ill. 235 00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:07,699 -What are you saying? -He's dead. 236 00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:11,616 Dead? What? He can't be dead. 237 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:15,185 Look, we both studied "dead." This man's dead. 238 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,840 But he-he-he was fine a little while ago. What's happened? 239 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,321 -Myocardial infarction. -What does that mean? 240 00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:23,063 It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now. 241 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,851 Well, this is horrible. 242 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,026 How did it happen? 243 00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,681 We'd, uh, rather not say. 244 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,901 Yeah, let's just say he expired in here. 245 00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:37,338 He just V.I.P.'ed away. 246 00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:39,949 No. 247 00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:44,258 He died in action, at the front. 248 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:47,609 That's what the headlines will read. 249 00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:50,003 Leading his troops against overwhelming odds 250 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,179 with shells bursting all around him 251 00:13:52,222 --> 00:13:54,703 until that one shell with his name on it 252 00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,400 caught up with him. 253 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:59,403 That's how General "Iron Guts" Kelly died. 254 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:02,232 Oh, I see. 255 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:05,018 Not, uh-- 256 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,106 Oh. 257 00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:15,028 I got a pretty good idea of how he really went, 258 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,117 but it's got to appear as though he died 259 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,901 more meaningfully. 260 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,338 There's a Zen saying: 261 00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:24,472 "Just as a clay jar will sooner or later crumble 262 00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,822 "while being lowered into a well, 263 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,912 "so all generals must eventually perish in battle." 264 00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,219 All you have to do is sign the death certificate 265 00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:34,221 and I'll fill in the details. 266 00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:35,657 There's another Zen saying: 267 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,485 "Only doctors with holes in head 268 00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,313 "sign death certificates like gift vouchers." 269 00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:40,531 Count us out. 270 00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:42,185 Then I'll have to order you. 271 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:43,317 That's different. 272 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,580 Then we refuse. 273 00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:48,452 Is the captain aware of chain of command? 274 00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:50,759 Is the colonel aware of the Hippocratic oath? 275 00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,153 We have sworn never to misrepresent. 276 00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:55,764 Never to use tongue depressors for shoehorns. 277 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,375 Never to have ourselves paged at the front. 278 00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:01,030 And not to open the Acme Death Certificate Company. 279 00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:04,425 History demands that the general die a glorious death. 280 00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:07,689 You know where we can hire 500 Indians and a wagon train? 281 00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:10,213 If you lie about the general dying in battle, 282 00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:12,737 it's unfair to the thousands of guys who really did. 283 00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:15,305 Not at all. He was willing to die that way, 284 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,741 hoping to die that way. 285 00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:19,092 He was a nutcase. 286 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:22,312 I think dying this way may have saved his life. 287 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,140 Good night, Colonel. 288 00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:27,578 I'll see you both at court-martial. 289 00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,712 We'll be the ones with our hands on the Bible. 290 00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,322 Uh, Captains. 291 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,675 Uh, I appeal to your patriotism, 292 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,590 your sense of fair play. 293 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,202 -Make up your mind. -Just one favor. 294 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,030 He's too heavy for me to lift. 295 00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:45,596 Put the General in an ambulance 296 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:46,858 and I'll drive him to the front. 297 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,297 That much we can do. 298 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:53,474 But not a word of this to Hippocrates. 299 00:15:57,086 --> 00:16:00,655 [snoring] 300 00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,831 -You there! -[screaming] 301 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,226 Get me the war on the phone. 302 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:09,272 -The war, sir? -The front, boy. The front. 303 00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,883 That's not a teddy bear? 304 00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:13,407 Uh, uh, yes, sir. 305 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,713 Uh, regulations against having the real kind. 306 00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:17,237 Let's get on the stick. 307 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,850 -Do you have the number of the front, sir? -No, I don't. 308 00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,334 Uh, is it an unlisted battle? 309 00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,379 Just get me an army sector where there's heavy fighting. 310 00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:30,772 I've got to get there. 311 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:42,349 Uh, Eighth Army, 73rd Artillery, "G" Sector? 312 00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:43,915 Uh, Ra-- Uh, here you go, sir. 313 00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:46,005 Colonel Wortman here, aide to General Kelly. 314 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,571 What's the picture up there? 315 00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,921 Exchanging any heavy fire? 316 00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:52,054 Uh-huh. 317 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,490 Uh-huh. 318 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,799 I see. 319 00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:01,281 No fighting, but lots of diarrhea. 320 00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:04,153 Why would you wanna go to the front to see that, sir? 321 00:17:04,197 --> 00:17:06,025 It's not for me. It's for the General. 322 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,766 -Oh. -Get me, um-- 323 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,464 Get me Hill 413. 324 00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:12,031 I know we've been trying to take it for weeks. 325 00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:13,380 Hill 413. 326 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:24,217 Uh, yeah, uh, MASH 4077th. 327 00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:27,524 Um, how's it going up there? 328 00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:29,309 Yeah? 329 00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:32,877 Uh, oh, right. 330 00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:35,924 Uh, I'm sorry, sir. We took that hill. 331 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,926 What rotten luck. 332 00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:39,884 Well, you can't lose 'em all. [nervous chuckling] 333 00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:42,757 Don't you know where there's some action going on? 334 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:47,936 Uh, well, there's always Rosie's place across the road. 335 00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:50,678 Where's the morning paper? They've always got a war going. 336 00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:52,767 Oh, we don't get this morning's paper for two weeks, sir. 337 00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:55,683 Well, call around. This is a war. 338 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:58,773 -Someone must be fighting it somewhere. -Yes, sir. 339 00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,125 The General's heavier than I thought. 340 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,780 About a hundred pounds of it is ego. 341 00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:07,782 -Your end first. -Okay. 342 00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,138 This reminds me of medical school. 343 00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:17,879 We once took a cadaver to a football game. 344 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,315 You're kidding. 345 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,056 He was a lot more fun than my date. 346 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,194 [knocking on door] 347 00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,369 -Who is it? -FRANK: It's me. 348 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,589 -Me who? -Me, Frank. 349 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,768 What is it, Frank? 350 00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,074 Well, what do you mean, "Me who?" 351 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,380 when I say "It's me"? 352 00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,469 How many me's do you know? 353 00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,123 Frank, you're the only "me" in my life. 354 00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,255 Now, please go. 355 00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:47,822 What's the matter with you, Margaret? 356 00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:51,086 I have a headache. A tremendous headache. 357 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,176 It goes all the way down to my waist. 358 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,309 Get it, Frank? One of those headaches. 359 00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:01,052 Something is going on around here, Margaret. 360 00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:04,055 Oh, Frank, you're the only thing that's going on around here. 361 00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:06,406 -I saw them. -They're not here. 362 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:09,060 -Who's not here? -They're not, and he's not either. 363 00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:12,020 He who? 364 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:14,849 Nobody's here, Frank. You and I are here. 365 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:17,025 And you're not even here, officially. 366 00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:20,159 Margaret, I saw Pierce and McIntyre 367 00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,639 fooling around with a body. 368 00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:26,382 Well, you know what perverts they are. 369 00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,993 A dead body. Now, that's not their job. 370 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:32,040 Now, why are they suddenly acting like undertakers? 371 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,260 Well, how do I know, Frank? 372 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,218 Maybe they're moonlighting. 373 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:39,003 Frank, my headache is killing me. 374 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,831 What's the matter with everyone in this camp? 375 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,443 The General's aide has me giving him a pillowcase count 376 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,401 and a history of urology. 377 00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,316 Pierce and McIntyre are acting like body snatchers. 378 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,752 And every time I come in here, you-- 379 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,406 -Ow! -[screaming] 380 00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:51,581 [grunting] 381 00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,627 Margaret, what is this? 382 00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:56,020 What is this? What this? 383 00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,848 Well, it's a star. 384 00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,111 A General's star. 385 00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,374 Oh. 386 00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,249 Well... 387 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:10,600 Well, if it's a General's star, then... 388 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,776 then-then it's a General's star. 389 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,042 Frank, my headache is leaking out of my ears. 390 00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:20,044 What's a General star doing in here? 391 00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:22,482 Well, it's very simple, Frank. 392 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:31,099 General Kelly's daughter wants to be an army nurse 393 00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:34,233 and he wanted to see what her quarters 394 00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:38,976 would look like, so he asked if he could come over 395 00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:40,500 and look at mine. 396 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,806 -Well, did he? -Did he what? 397 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:46,506 -Look at yours? -Get out! 398 00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,030 Take your nasty little mind and your skinny little lips 399 00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:50,988 and get out, ferret face! 400 00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:57,560 Oh, great! Sir, I think I found you a war. 401 00:20:57,604 --> 00:21:00,955 -Where? -Uh, you wanna give me your location again, please? 402 00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:03,392 Three miles northeast of Inchon, 403 00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:06,569 longitude 70, latitude 27. 404 00:21:06,613 --> 00:21:08,310 Are they drawing heavy fire? 405 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,746 Uh, sir, uh, the enemy blew up two of our bridges, 406 00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:11,400 but we recaptured the hill 407 00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:12,923 and there's heavy casualties on both sides. 408 00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:16,100 Great, wonderful. 409 00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:18,015 Well, I guess I'll let you get back to your fun. 410 00:21:21,802 --> 00:21:23,369 Come on, your limousine is waiting. 411 00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:25,980 [giggling] 412 00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:28,678 -Keep it down! Keep it down, girls. -Shh! 413 00:21:32,769 --> 00:21:35,294 Hope this is dry enough for you. 414 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,078 Can't be drier than I am. 415 00:21:37,121 --> 00:21:39,254 Here's to "Iron Guts" Kelly. 416 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,821 He died with his boots on. 417 00:21:40,864 --> 00:21:41,952 And his socks off. 418 00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,566 I found a sector that's being bombed. 419 00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:50,352 -What a lucky sector. -Where's the ambulance? 420 00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,441 Well, it just pulled out. We thought you took it. 421 00:21:52,485 --> 00:21:54,965 I didn't take the ambulance. 422 00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:57,403 Well, I should hope not, Colonel. 423 00:21:57,446 --> 00:21:58,882 It was full of floozies. 424 00:21:58,926 --> 00:22:00,884 Uh-oh. 425 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:04,671 Just what ambulance are we talking about, Major? 426 00:22:04,714 --> 00:22:06,368 Well, the one parked in front of the V.I.P. tent. 427 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,979 -Oh, my-- -They won't get far, Colonel. 428 00:22:09,023 --> 00:22:11,155 I called the M.P.s. That ambulance is going to be stopped 429 00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:13,244 and everyone inside arrested. 430 00:22:13,288 --> 00:22:16,030 You can't do that. That's restraint of trade. 431 00:22:16,073 --> 00:22:20,687 Major, if it's the last thing I do, 432 00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:24,343 I'll see that you hang by your clusters. 433 00:22:27,084 --> 00:22:28,303 Well, what's the matter with him? 434 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:30,697 Why did he jump on me like that? 435 00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,351 Are you blind, Frank? The man's crazy about you. 436 00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:34,178 -Right, Trap? -What? 437 00:22:34,222 --> 00:22:35,919 Oh, yeah, Frank. You're playing it just right. 438 00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:37,965 Hard to get. 439 00:22:38,008 --> 00:22:38,966 You vixen. 440 00:22:43,710 --> 00:22:45,886 What are you doing there? 441 00:22:45,929 --> 00:22:48,323 Nothing. I swear it. 442 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,457 Get me the M.P. checkpoint, on the double. 443 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:52,806 Yes, sir. Uh, you want me 444 00:22:52,849 --> 00:22:54,938 to get you one under fire? 445 00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:57,376 Radar! Radar, what in blazes is going on tonight? 446 00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:58,594 The whole camp is jumping. 447 00:22:58,638 --> 00:23:00,683 -Uh, well... -[telephone ringing] 448 00:23:03,817 --> 00:23:06,123 MASH 4077th. Colonel Blake here. 449 00:23:08,256 --> 00:23:12,869 When? How? 450 00:23:12,913 --> 00:23:15,002 -Wow. -What is it? 451 00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:17,004 Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, 452 00:23:17,047 --> 00:23:18,875 their furniture and a pig made a bad turn 453 00:23:18,919 --> 00:23:21,182 and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment. 454 00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:23,097 Was anyone hurt? 455 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:26,796 Yeah. Yeah. 456 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,277 Well, they pulled six business girls 457 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,757 out of the ambulance. They're okay. 458 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,282 But the General's dead. He's been killed. 459 00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,675 General who? 460 00:23:35,718 --> 00:23:38,329 -Kelly? -Wow! 461 00:23:38,373 --> 00:23:40,897 General Kelly's been killed. 462 00:23:40,941 --> 00:23:43,944 You think the girls would've broken his fall. 463 00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:46,250 Well, I mean, Lord, he was just here. 464 00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:47,600 Well, what was he doing in an ambulance? 465 00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:49,863 I didn't know he was sick. 466 00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:51,604 Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. 467 00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:54,128 Now, listen carefully, this is an order. 468 00:23:54,171 --> 00:23:55,956 Take the general's body, put it in a jeep 469 00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,871 and drive it up to "G" Sector. 470 00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,874 Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea. 471 00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:03,398 I'll provide the fighting. 472 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,313 Get on with it. Get me Kimpo Air Base. 473 00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:07,489 -Yes, sir. -I want a squadron of jets. 474 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:10,492 And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. 475 00:24:10,536 --> 00:24:14,191 Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly 476 00:24:14,235 --> 00:24:17,368 is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, 477 00:24:17,412 --> 00:24:22,852 all-out glorious, star-spangled-bannered death. 478 00:24:27,857 --> 00:24:30,512 -Hey, guys. -Yes, Henry? 479 00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:33,341 Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead? 480 00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:35,343 That's right, Henry. 481 00:24:35,386 --> 00:24:37,780 Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy? 482 00:24:37,824 --> 00:24:40,348 And rockets. I want plenty of rockets. 483 00:24:40,391 --> 00:24:41,784 That's for the red glare. 484 00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:54,754 Here it is, Trap. Front page, "Stars and Stripes." 485 00:24:54,797 --> 00:24:56,277 Lay it on me. 486 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,279 "The Pentagon announced today the death of one 487 00:24:58,322 --> 00:25:00,716 "of the U.S. Army's most colorful figures, 488 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,284 "Lieutenant General Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly, 489 00:25:03,327 --> 00:25:05,286 "a man who was loved by all." 490 00:25:05,329 --> 00:25:07,027 Only one time too many. 491 00:25:07,070 --> 00:25:09,116 Seems he died in battle. 492 00:25:09,159 --> 00:25:11,814 "In action to the finish, heroic to the end." 493 00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:13,816 I got a bad taste in my mouth. 494 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:16,340 I'm gonna go gargle with a martini. 495 00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:17,994 There you go, hiding behind booze again, 496 00:25:18,038 --> 00:25:19,213 afraid to face reality. 497 00:25:19,256 --> 00:25:21,084 Reality is up for grabs. 498 00:25:21,128 --> 00:25:24,566 One man's reality is another man's fantasy. 499 00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:26,220 Right, you take the reality one, 500 00:25:26,263 --> 00:25:28,352 I'll take the one with the big fantasy. 501 00:25:35,664 --> 00:25:37,884 ♪♪ [theme plays]